I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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