Just took my morning after pill in the library
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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