accomplished twins. life is a go
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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