my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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