just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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