What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
