I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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