Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
