I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
