I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
