oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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