Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Randomize
