Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
