Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
