Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
