Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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