I didn't shave. On purpose
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
