He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
