My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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