So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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