No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
