So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
