It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
