somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
