just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
