Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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