I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
