mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
