I'm going to jail i love you
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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