im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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