I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
