I cannot find my penis.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
