Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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