On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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