so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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