How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
