I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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