she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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