Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
