Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
