I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she pinky promised me she was 18
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
