i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
