My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
