Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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