Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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