Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
