I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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