We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
