My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
