Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
