Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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