we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
