Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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