Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The air taste purple.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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