so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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