you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
