apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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