mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
