mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
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I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize