I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
