this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
