yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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