I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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